Remove distractions and face the music

How to remove distractions to be with ourselves.

As we come to the end of this trilogy of articles in learning to be, I guess it is right that we begin with a short recap.

What is learning to be?

Learn to be — “Be who you were created to be — not who you want to be, or who you think you should have been. Be who you are right now. Only when you are content with who you are today will you be able to enjoy who you are tomorrow.”

I started writing about this because learning to be was something I found so difficult to do for the majority of my life.

As I reflected, I noticed that a lot of the problems I faced in my life were due to my inability to be myself. I also saw traces of this in the people I worked closely with, and I wanted to share a few things that I have learnt along the path of learning to be.

To begin with, I guess part of the problem is that hardly any of us were taught how to be.

If anything, we were taught the opposite.

We were taught to strive

Boys were told not to cry

Girls were pressured to look and act a certain way

We were taught to be strong

To not let people see our weaknesses

To fit in

Whoever told anyone, “you can just be you”?

With all your ‘you-ness’ (if that is even a word, which I am sure it is not because there is a red squiggly line underneath it, but I like it).

Even as I write that I feel scared to say it.

Will anybody love me? Like the real me?

Who would I be if I didn’t achieve?

What would people think if they knew all the things I struggle with?

Breaking away from all these lies enables us to enjoy life. Experience peace. Be present and learn to be.

The first step in the process was; find someone who knows everything about you and still loves you.

Allowing someone into the deepest parts of our lives permits us to be fully known and truly loved.

It begins the process of allowing us to love ourselves.

It teaches us how to know and understand our emotions.

In step two, we spoke about facing our fears. By fears, I meant the emotions that we keep hidden from ourselves and the world.

I encouraged that we do this by creating morning and bedtime routines that make space in our day to help us be with ourselves and face those emotions.

This teaches us how to sense and articulate our emotions so that we can deal with them instead of hiding them in the cellar.

And now we have come to step three.

Remove distractions and face the music

There is a spectrum of things that can qualify as a distraction, but for this article, I will focus on one.

Social media.

I want to start by saying, I do believe it has some benefits.

It reunites you with old friends.

And… maybe, you need it for your business.

But that’s it.

Social media, in my opinion, is the most dangerous weapon against our mental and emotional well-being ever created.

An analogy that I use to describe the use of social media was first put together by Dr Martyn Lloyd Jones, a Welsh minister. He writes:

“If a patient has pain, it is right that he wants to go to a doctor. Nobody likes to be in pain. So, he goes to a doctor, as any man would do. But if that doctor only cares about dealing with the man’s pain, he is a terrible doctor. His primary duty is to discover the cause of the man’s pain and to treat that. Pain is a wonderful symptom which is provided by nature to call attention to the disease, not to pain. The ultimate treatment for the pain is the disease, not the pain. So, if a doctor merely treats the pain without discovering the cause of the pain, he is not only acting contrary to nature, he is doing something extremely dangerous to the life of the patient. The patient may seem to be out of pain and may seem to be well, but the cause of the trouble is still there.”

Social media (and our busyness) is our attempt to treat the disease by only dealing with the pain.

We feel empty inside, so we go to likes to treat the pain and find affirmation. This works for a bit. But then we realise we feel empty again. So, more likes are required.

We feel inferior to others, so we post pictures that make our life seem grand. For a moment, the pain goes. When the comments come in that reassure us. But then, before we know it, the pain emerges again.

We feel depressed. The funny videos give a short relief from the pain. Then the short relief fades, and the disease rears its ugly head again.

Let’s treat the disease by taking away distractions and facing the music.

But before we do that, here are some other reasons why social media is awful.

- Social media creates a comparison trap that kills us slowly

Dr Tim Bono wrote a book ‘When likes aren’t enough’ he said, “When we derive a sense of worth based on how we are doing relative to others, we place our happiness in a variable that is completely beyond our control”.

We see this, don’t we?

We see the holidays others go on, and we realise we can’t go on those.

We see other people’s ideal relationship, and we realise ours isn’t like that.

We get a glimpse at other people’s perfect physique, and we know for sure ours isn’t like that.

We see our friends surrounded by people, with joy beaming off of every face and we think is everyone’s life just better than mine?

So, what do we do?

Post our holiday pics and make them look better than they are.

Post only the very best moments with our partners even though deep down we don’t even want to be with them anymore.

We post the 43rd photo that we took in front of the landmark because it made us look slightly more handsome/pretty.

We try to capture every moment so that the world can know that our life is meaningful.

This comparison tug of war is destroying us.

Social media does not have the power to make your life meaningful

No number of likes, shares, comments, direct messages can heal your heart of the emotions creeping within your cellar.

Instead, it is adding fuel to the fire.

It is destroying our self-esteem.

It is only a short-term remedy that does more harm than good in the long run.

Social media creates a comparison trap that kills us slowly.

- Social media makes us feel connected but lonely inside

One of the strangest attributes of social media is that it gives us the false illusion that we are connected with our friends.

The constant stream of pictures, stories, snaps, posts, make us feel as though we know what is going on in the lives of the people around us.

It makes us believe that our friends know what is happening in our lives.

However, the opposite is true.

We are in unprecedented times. It has never been easier to connect with anyone in the world. Yet, people have never claimed to be more alone.

The curve began to tip in 2010–2013 when smartphones became accessible to the vast majority of the population.

Along with these smartphones, came a beautiful little blue app with an f in the middle.

There is a direct correlation with the rise in the use of smartphones and social media and the rise in the rates of depression, anxiety, loneliness and suicide, especially amongst teenagers and young adults.

Scientists relate this link to the false illusion of feeling connected or “perceived social isolation”.

Have you noticed this?

Have you noticed how difficult we find it to have meaningful conversations?

Have you sat at home alone scrolling through your feeds and wondered if you’re the only person that’s ever alone?

Have you found it increasingly difficult to establish successful friendships with people?

Have you felt like you are the only one who has experienced the above?

Social media makes us feel connected but lonely inside.

- Social media destroys our ability to concentrate

This might be the most annoying thing about social media.

Have you been around someone who can’t stop looking at their phone?

Is this you?

Have you ever been speaking to someone and you can almost see their eyes being pulled in the direction of their phone?

Have you ever been to a restaurant with people you haven’t seen in a while, but they decide to spend the time on their phones?

Have you ever been on holiday with people and 97% of the time is spent taking pictures to post on their social media?

Have you ever just been around someone and they find it impossible to stay engaged in dialogue or think deeply on a subject?

Social media has provided a never-ending feed of entertainment, dopamine and funny videos.

It is training our minds and bodies to expect the same entertainment wherever we go.

And if we don’t find it in the moment, we quickly want to go to our apps to find it.

This is destroying what we want most.

Relationship and the experience of being known and loved.

Our inability to be present with the people around us enlarges the divide we already feel inside.

Social media destroys our ability to concentrate.

- Social media is an addiction

Dopamine, dopamine, dopamine!

Dopamine is a chemical produced by our brains that plays a critical role in motivating behaviour. It is released when we do things that give us pleasure. When we eat food, have sex, work out, take drugs and when we have successful social interactions.

In essence, it is a way for our bodies to reward us for doing something we enjoy. That way, we repeat those behaviours.

Chamath Palihapitiya, former vice president of user growth at Facebook said in a recent talk to Stanford University graduates “I feel tremendous guilt, the short-term dopamine-driven feedback loops that we have created are destroying how society works”.

The social media platforms make money based on how many advertisements they can sell.

To sell advertisements, they need you to look at your screen for as long as possible.

They know that if they help you release dopamine every time you look at the screen, your body will call you to keep looking, keep scrolling, keep liking, keep posting.

They know which videos you watch,

They know which posts you like,

They know what you search for,

They know what they need to do to keep you addicted.

This is only one form of us being addicted.

We also get addicted to the need for approval.

How many people like or view what I am doing?

Am I important?

Am I doing better than…?

Do people agree with who I am and what I think?

We get so addicted to the dopamine that we receive when all these factors are being met that it is genuinely scary to let go of social media.

We can’t let go of the satisfaction it gives us to know we are ok. People do still want me. I am doing better than some people still.

That’s why we can’t let go of it. We are too scared of how we will feel when we don’t have the dopamine and the constant need for approval.

When I left social media in December 2019.

I had a withdrawal effect.

I felt depressed for about two weeks.

I felt lonely.

I felt sick.

I felt the pull of my phone.

I knew I could escape these feelings with a simple press of an icon.

We can get addicted to only treating the pain and never dealing with the disease.

Social media is an addiction.

- Social media takes away our ability to experience boredom

What’s the first thing you look at when you are:

Sitting on a bus

Waiting in a queue

On the loo

Looking at commercials

Waiting for the meal at a table

Sat with friends but the conversation is not necessarily attractive to you

In a lecture

In a meeting through zoom

Waiting for a friend

In between sets at the gym

This may seem harmless and almost necessary. I mean, how else are we going to survive those two minutes of torture? Sitting there with OURSELVES!

Apart from the point, I am making in the article as a whole. Not embracing boredom also has other limiting factors.

We live in the attention economy; our minds have a limited amount of energy for specific tasks that pertain to creativity, willpower, problem-solving and planning.

When our ability to pay attention is up for the day… it’s up.

When we constantly stimulate our brains, we are reducing our ability to think creatively at then times we need it the most.

Have you ever been in the shower, and all of a sudden you get the solution to a problem you have been trying to solve?

How about just before you’re going to bed?

What about as you are going for a run?

These moments happen because when our minds are not being stimulated, our frontal cortex begins to rest. Or so we think.

At its core, boredom is “a search for neutral stimulation that isn’t satisfied” says Sandi Mann, a psychology lecturer at the University of Central Lancashire. Therefore, when we are bored, our mind is still seeking simulation, and when we don’t feed it, it goes looking for it.

Even when we are not ‘actively thinking’ about a topic, our mind is hacking away at the problem without us realising. That is why we get bursts of creativity when we least expect it.

But we must embrace boredom for those creative moments to emerge.

If we keep our frontal cortex engaged in low stimuli activity throughout the whole day, it does not have the time to rest and fully engage.

Low stimuli activity is the constant stream of social media we feed our brains.

We never give our brains a chance to stop. Breathe. Rest. And engage.

It’s like we keep them on a never-ending treadmill.

Then when the time comes when we need them to sprint, we wonder why it’s so difficult to concentrate.

Allow yourself to be bored.

Let your mind wander.

Take in your surroundings.

You will be amazed at how well you can concentrate (although it will take time to build this up again).

Social media takes away our ability to experience boredom, be creative, focus deeply and solve complex problems.

- It takes up more time than we can imagine

If you haven’t started using screen time to measure your use of time on your device, try it and shock yourself with the results. Here is a graph from Statista, which measured the average time people spent on their devices for different activities.

According to Statista, we spend nearly two hours a day on social media.

That’s 14 hours a week (just over half a day)

That’s 56 hours a month (more than two whole days)

And 672 hours a year (That’s 28 days — nearly a whole month)

Next time you are scrolling through your feed, remember where your time is going.

What could you do with another month a year?

What book could you write?

What Master’s degree could you accomplish?

Which charity could you start?

Which dream could you fulfil?

Author and entrepreneur, Derek Sivers said this on finding time to do what matters:

“When you experience someone else’s genius work, a little part of you feels, ‘That’s what I could have, would have, and should have done!’

Someone else did it. You didn’t. They fought the resistance. You gave in to distractions. They made it a top priority. You said you’d get to it someday. They took the time. You meant to.

When this happens, you can take it two ways: you could let that part of you give up. ‘Oh well. Now I don’t need to make that anymore.’ Or you could do something about that jealous pain. Shut off your phone, kill the distractions, make it a top priority, and spend the time.

It takes many hours to make what you want to make. The hours don’t suddenly appear. You have to steal them from comfort.”

Social media takes away more time than we can imagine.

If I haven’t convinced you, please …

1. Watch the latest documentary on Netflix — The social dilemma

2. Watch this Ted talk!

https://www.calnewport.com/blog/2016/09/21/quit-social-media/

3. Read these books

Cal Newport — Digital minimalism and Deep work

Now that I got that off my chest. I can continue with how removing distractions helps us to be.

Social media can convince us that it is there to help us. And yes, it does provide temporary relief, but at the end of the day, it fails to address the deep-rooted issues of unhappiness, lack of fulfilment and emotional wounds.

IT CANNOT TREAT THE DISEASE!

Distractions remove our ability to be with ourselves.

When we feel an emotion we are uncomfortable with, instead of facing it and working through it, we turn to our phones and get our latest fix of dopamine from the flurry of never-ending activity. The beautiful colours, the funny videos, the likes, the shares, the comments… and almost in an instant we feel a bit better.

Until we feel an uncomfortable emotion again, then we go back to what we know best, and the cycle continues.

The more we avoid our difficult emotions, the harder it is to face them. And we all face them. Sooner or later.

I want to encourage us to do something scary.

Something courageous.

Something which I failed to do many times.

When you are next faced with a difficult emotion, and you feel compelled to go for your phone, or any distraction, don’t do it.

Let the emotion overwhelm you.

Feel the emotion.

Stay there with it.

And in the middle of it, just say to it — “I am not afraid of you.”

(Yes, that will sound awkward at first LOL)

And stay in that space until the emotion passes.

These emotions are like pressure cookers; the steam has to come out one way or another. It is best when we let the pressure out ourselves.

Similarly, the more the pressure is contained, the greater the explosion. But when the pressure is let out bit by bit, when it is needed. All is well.

Eventually, the pressure fades because the emotion has been released.

This is how we deal with the disease.

We face it head-on.

There is no point pretending it is not there.

Covering up the wounds won’t make it go away.

The more we can face our emotions and tell them we are not afraid of them, the more confident we will be to be ourselves.

I encourage you to remove things that enable you to distract yourself from being in the moment.

Here are some strategies you can implement to let go of social media:

1. Go cold turkey for 30 days.

a. Just take the leap. It is easier than you think if you decide to do it.

b. Use apps like ‘freedom’ to protect yourself from being tempted to give in.

c. After 30 days you may never want to go back!

2. Allow 1 hour a day of distraction time

a. Put this hour at the end of your day to reward yourself for a hard day’s work. This way you can scroll (almost) guilt-free.

b. Be careful though it will be tempting to break this.

3. Take a weekly social media sabbath

a. A whole day (that’s 24 hours) to regularly disconnect will show you how much you can accomplish without your phone!

Let’s treat what’s on the inside. Don’t let yourself only deal with superficial pain.

Face those emotions.

Tell them you are not afraid.

You are stronger than they are.

Be free to be.