Facing your fears
How to face your thoughts and emotions
In the most recent blog/essay/book (these are getting too long) we began to understand the importance of having someone in our lives who knows everything about us and still loves us. That was the first step in learning to be.
If you haven’t read that one, please stop reading now and go there and then come back
We are in a sort of trilogy understanding how we can learn be in order to enjoy the present moment.
What does it mean to enjoy the present moment?
DEFINITION of Enjoying this moment
“Not worrying about what happened in the past and not fearing what may happen in the future. Being able to be present and content in the here and now. “
The Buddha also has a definition for this –
“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
But my favourite comes from Jesus Christ in Matthew 6:25–27,34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]? 34 Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
What would it like look like if we were able to enjoy the present moment?
If we were free from worry about the past?
If we were free from fear about the future?
If we were able to live in the here and now and be satisfied?
It is possible.
It is hard work, but you can have it.
The answer is learning to be
And just in case you didn’t read last week’s one and continued reading today despite the warning at the top I will give you the definition of learning to be
Learn to be — “be who you were created to be — not who you want to be, or who you think you should have been. Be who you are right now. Only when you are content with who you are today will you be able to enjoy who you are tomorrow.”
Today we are going to look at part two of this trilogy
Learning to be with ourselves
Learning to be requires us to learn to be with ourselves.
Being able to speak to someone helps us be vulnerable and understand who we are.
Once we have begun to understand who we are, it is time to sit with that person and face them.
This is harder than it sounds.
Partly because no one has ever taught us how to do this.
Also because it is difficult and I for one, like to choose the easy route.
But mainly because it is scary.
When we have those brief moments of boredom and our minds begin to race, we feel like we can’t keep up.
“Shouldn’t I have more money saved by now?”
“Will, I ever have a house?”
“When am I going to get married? Does anyone want me? I wonder what my ex is doing now?”
“I can’t believe I did that last year/3/5/7/20 years ago.”
“I hate my job.”
“I am not good at anything I do.”
“Am I ever going to lose weight?”
“I think I am with the wrong person.”
“What happens when I die.”
“Am I going to be a good parent?”
“What am I doing with my life?”
“I am sure people at work don’t like me….does anybody love me?”
“Why am I always alone.”
“I am such a rubbish spouse.”
And on and on and on…
If we don’t learn how to sit with ourselves, without distractions… these thoughts can bully us into submission.
Instead of facing them and dealing with them, we bury them.
While I was in counselling, I remember it was about one year and five months in. I was laying on the floor of the pale green room, staring at the boat in the picture which was hovering in the middle of both chairs (read more about this in the previous blog). I was gazing at it, hoping that it would save me from the question Richard had just asked.
He said, “Where are the thoughts that you don’t want to face?”
Firstly, I was scared of that question because I couldn’t rattle off an answer quickly.
Secondly, I didn’t know, so I had to think. URGH!
I sat there for a few moments, and then minutes. Just staring at the boat, hoping it would give me an answer.
After sitting with myself and thinking about the question without interruptions, I could see a picture in my mind’s eye of where my thoughts were.
I could see a cellar door, like those you see in films which are always under a carpet. It was something similar to a trap door that leads to a hidden place in a house.
I saw that the cellar door was bursting at the seams with thoughts.
I was standing on top of the cellar door, pretending everything was ok, while underneath there was an eruption that was about to ensue.
I then remembered all the times that an eruption had taken place.
The times I had fallen morally
The times I had relapsed
The times I just felt depressed and didn’t want to leave my room
The times I had lashed out at someone randomly
The times where I behaved like the person I was as a teenager
All those random outbursts that I would get that I didn’t know where they came from or why they happened were now starting to make sense.
They could all be traced back to that cellar door.
When I couldn’t stand on the door any longer and pretend everything was ok, the thoughts and emotions would push through the door like hulk himself was on the other side, there was nothing I could do to hold the door down.
It would feel like an avalanche of thoughts and emotions all rushing endlessly out of the cellar, almost like someone was suffocating and desperate for oxygen.
Of course, instead of dealing with what came out of the door, I got used to shoving all the thoughts and emotions back into the cellar……After an outburst that is.
I would push and do everything I could to get that door closed so I could just stand on top of it again and let it burst at the seams until the inevitable next avalanche broke through.
This was a cycle that happened over and over again.
When I told Richard, he didn’t look surprised, or angry, he just looked at me and asked: “So what do you think you should do about the cellar?”
He knew the answer, which was annoying
I knew the answer, which was worse
But I still lay there, now almost daydreaming, looking out of the window hoping that there would be another way, an easier way.
There never is an easy way, to anything, if you think there is, don’t take it, It’s not worth it.
I sort of plucked up the courage and grumbled, hopefully in an inaudible way “I have to deal with what’s in the cellar?”
I said it, like children do, with a higher pitch towards then end, asking it as a question, wishing Richard will provide another option.
But he and I both knew there was no other option.
I had to deal with what was in the cellar.
What is in your cellar?
What are the thoughts and emotions you don’t want to deal with?
How are you coping pretending they don’t exist?
Why do you sometimes have an outburst of behaviours that are not like you?
Are you tired of the going around in destructive cycles?
I have learnt that the way we deal with the cellar is by learning to be with ourselves. Slowly elevating the pressure on the cellar door. Sometimes lots will emerge, sometimes only a little, but creating the space where what’s under the door can come out.
Those thoughts and emotions need to breathe.
But this time, we won’t be afraid.
This time we won’t try and push them back in the cellar.
This time we will face them. And tell them that we are not afraid.
I promise that you will get stronger every time you create the space.
Almost before you know it, the pressure on the cellar door begins to ease. And then, the time will come when the cellar is empty of thoughts and emotions you don’t want to deal with. Sure, some will come, but you will face them, and they will go.
Then one day, you can have a cellar where you can habit and where peace and joy can now roam freely. You can learn to enjoy the present moment.
How I learnt to do this was by building morning and evening routines that helped me centre my day and be with myself.
Researchers have found that we release the most stress hormones within minutes after waking. Why? Because thinking of the day ahead triggers our fight-or-flight instinct and releases cortisol into our blood. This is not how you want to start your day.
Begin by pausing — don’t start by rushing as you will be rushing the whole day. Start by stopping, reflecting on your thoughts, on how you feel and on what is going on in your head.
I do this by writing a journal.
I am going to walk you through exactly how I do it. It works for me. Try it, try something similar, but take on the principle of creating space to be with yourself and open the cellar door a little bit every day.
A. So, its 6:20 AM, I have some water, a coffee and I get back in bed with my black Moleskin journal. I date the page by hand! (I know, shocking! Please do not use technology for the first hour of your day. Anyway, that’s another rant for another day).
I begin by just sitting there in silence, allowing thoughts to come and go. Allowing myself to feel the emotions I am feeling that morning (slowly opening the cellar). Then I just write anything I am feeling.
How I slept
How I feel
What thoughts are going through my mind
And anything else that may be roaming around in my brain
This helps me to be aware of myself, but also it doesn’t allow me to bury anything. By writing down how I am feeling on a page, the emotions and the thoughts lose their powers to give make me anxious as I am facing them, naming them and allowing them to breath onto the page of my journal. Slowly the pressure of the cellar door is being eased.
Don’t burden yourself to write more than you can. Start by a few words and allow yourself to learn to articulate your emotions and thoughts over time. This takes a while of getting used to.
B. The next thing I do is I that I read a portion of the Bible. As a person of faith, this is incredibly important for me. If you are unfamiliar with the Bible, I will encourage you to use the Bible in one-year plan to help you get to grips with it. Or just meditate or read a portion of scripture from your religious text. Most people are mindfulness advocates. I have only used the app headspace. So you could try that too.
As I read the Bible, I write on the same page, anything that stood out to me from the passages. Sometimes I feel that God speaks to me a lot; sometimes, I don’t hear much. Again, don’t put too much pressure on this! Just do a bit every day, and you will be able to hear Gods voice the more you practice.
For me spending time in the morning with God and giving myself the space to hear what he has to say to me is what gave me the strength to open the cellar door every day. He loves us and wants to speak to each of us. I encourage you to do this and do it first thing! If you are meditating, you can jot down any thoughts or feelings that you were aware of during your meditation.
After reading the Bible and writing down what I sensed God saying to me, I pray along the lines of anything I have written on the page to this point. This could take 2 minutes; it could take 30 minutes. NO PRESSURE!
C. Next, I write three things I am grateful for that morning. Again, don’t overthink it. Just write whatever comes to your mind. The more you practice this, the more you will learn to be grateful for.
Starting your day by being grateful allows you to start the day looking at what you do have instead of what you don’t have! The key to contentment
D. I also have a list of affirmations that I read out every morning. These are one-sentence statements about myself which are true or I long to be true. These are critical to helping us cement our identity in who we are and not who society or the world around us makes us believe we are. Affirmations also allow us to be braver and more confident; that way, we can face the cellar ever morning.
An example of one of mine is: “My father will build my house, my wife will be like a fruitful vine and my children like olive shoots around my table” (2 Sam 7 and Psalm 128).
Don’t focus too much on making them sound clever. Just write between 5–10 statements which you know are true or long to be true but find hard to believe. Declare them out loud every morning. Yes, out loud, yes, they will be awkward, but no one is listening…apart from you — the only person who has to hear them.
Affirmations help to re-wire the neuropathway in our minds.
If you have believed yourself to be someone your whole life who is not who you know you are, affirmations enable you to become the person you truly are. They reprogramme your mind so that you can see yourself as the person you know you are and deserve to be. This will give you the strength to face the cellar!
This whole process Should take between 30–60 minutes every morning.
The best 30–60 minutes you could spend in your day. I NEVER MISS THIS. EVER.
F. I do the same routine at night. I write how my day went, how I am feeling, the three things I am grateful for now that the day is over (encapsulating your day in gratitude transforms your outlook on life). I end by saying a short prayer. It is essential to do this at night as you will be able to unload the burdens of the day onto the page, and you will find you sleep way better too!
This may look easy, but it is not.
This takes time and dedication.
You will want to give up as you face difficult emotions that come out of the cellar.
Be strong, be brave. Keep on going! Before you know it, the cellar won’t be so full.
This small morning and evening routine has taught me how to reflect, be aware of my emotions, face the thoughts and emotions I am afraid of instead of burying them and as a result, I have learnt how to be and how to enjoy the moment.
Try it!
